Fourteen.
Never tell me you’ll love me forever
never tell me I’m the only one for you
never tell me you’ll never see another beauty
that could challenge the moon
never ever tell me you won’t ever make me blue
Even if you sincerely believe it
Just don’t say it
because words become untrue.
Because to be honest
even though you’ve been in love for years
strong words can still be said
way too soon.
You’re crazy and heartless
that’s what they all will say.
If you love someone you’re meant to express it
Right?
Like how just being around them
makes your head feel so light.
Like even after the 100th time
hearing their voice is all you want when its 3am at night.
Like how that gentle hug
still makes you forget every awful fight.
These feelings and actions
make you think it’s okay
that you really do believe all those words that you say.
But it’s happened enough
it’s happened way too much to just accept.
Because all that fills me is sad and regret.
Words are so careless
but yet so precious.
Are we meant to risk it and to just take the chance?
To just let you believe there might be pure romance?
I don’t know.
Thirteen
Sometimes you don’t need to write paragraphs of descriptive words to write something pretty. You don’t even need to perfectly construct a clever sentence. Sometimes 6 simple words like ‘I want to hold your hand’ says it all. I hope that one day the tables will be turned and I’ll perhaps find my author and I’ll be their biggest fan. They’ll recite something genius like “you keep me warm” and I’ll be begging for an autograph of kisses, for a photograph of hugs, I’d be their biggest fan. So write me a story. It doesn’t need words. Write me a story through actions and I’ll give you the reaction of being in love. You write the story, and I promise to give all the warmth and glory that you deserve. I swear each word and each touch will be heard.
Eleven.
I wish I could write pretty things.
Things that make you sing, things that are shinier than bling, things that make your heart go ding, things so pretty you thank me for these words I bring.
But all that I write is rough. Words so rough it isn’t a symbol of tough, words that sound muffed, words so ugly you’d rather been hand cuffed than to listen to another word, another word about hurt.
If you were my inspiration if you were my muse, those feelings you gave me, I’d use. I’d use them to the core. Each word would be so raw, remember that shooting star we saw? I do. It was pretty, but it wasn’t as pretty as your touch. I miss you so damn much.
Instead you’re my sadness. You’re the reason all my words aren’t happiness, just badness. Your hollow eyes, your charming lies, leave me asking the rhetorical question…Would I rather die? The answer is no. No, I would never choose to go and to leave, just continue to breathe, remember that warm summer breeze? You probably don’t. My emotions are controlled by a remote, a remote that you hold, you hold my heart and you choose to just mould and mould. I was never for sale, but you were the buyer and I sure got sold. I can hear the faint echo of “going going gone!” At the time it never felt wrong, only like a pretty repeating song. But now when it’s hot I still feel cold. You said you’d warm me, not warn me, not warn me that you might leave, that you were just full of deceit, I wish I held onto some sort of word receipt.
For evidence, for proof. So I might someday be happy enough to go outside than to stay under this leaking roof. But don’t worry I forgive you. I forgive you even though I’m still blue, even though you still have no clue. Even though these words are long overdue, I continue to rhyme spew. Maybe just maybe, even though it might sound crazy, I still love you.
Probably not. But why not savour the flavour of such a powerful emotion which demonstrates my devotion to what I had felt for you. To be honest my mind couldn’t be further away from these words I say. I spit them out through my hands not my mouth, at least it saves me from not staying up all night, unlike that fucking smile which is oh so bright. Im no Andrea Gibson, but these emotions dig in, into holes under my skin, into my blood, which leads to a stream causing a high pressured flood.
Be happy okay? This shit is isn’t as cray as we thought, as I made it out to be, I promise you’re free from feeling guilty, I’ve lost by a mile thanks to my enemy reality. But Im a gracious loser, I accept failure. If we look on the Brightside, the skies will turn blue and not greyer.
Thinking blinking, heavy breathing
Heart is beating, lungs wth heaving
Pen is etching, skin is itching
Mind filled with hate and girly bitching
Sitting in silence, cursive writing
Clench these fists, Im trying im fighting
Stabbing and grabbing, take me down
This smile is fake, my face a frown
Crying and sighing, just take me away
The sun is out, yet my skies still gray
When I write my mind is shit
Hit me hard while these words I spit
Shoot me, beat me, tear me up
I down my vodka, I need no cups
My pulse is fast, my blinking slow
Love has gone, my hatred grows
I can’t do help, I have no use
I’ll be the target, I feed off abuse
Let me cure you, I adore you, still from the second I saw you
I swear Id take your pain and kick its arse
Im not that strong but my mouth moves fast
My minds on you
No not you, move
Yes you
I have no clue
Im blue
Are these words really true?
Now time for something not so new..
You said you’ve never leave, Now I grieve.
Thanks to that fucking thief.
I need sleep.
One last thought, keep or delete?
Nine
Fuck cunt shit sucks
no more time for mindless fucks
im desperate just tell me whats wrong with this mind
its twisted and sick just one of a kind
cut deep and burn till blister
suave souvenirs of why you missed her
heavy breathing and blurred eyesight
theres no patience left just clasp those fists real fucking tight
why does it rain on me? tell me, explain
Im on the tracks waiting yet theres still no train
screw up and spew up just rinse and repeat
cleanse yourself from this sense of defeat
scrub and scratch just one more scrape
feel the pain and bear the skin rape
quick hits people spit
pushes you down to this black fucking pit
grab me stab me, stare me right in the eye
do me a favour and just let me die
wreck yourself just break yourself, end it for real
the victory will taste sweeter than suger filled meals
kiss me miss me, death to be dealt
one last tuck in with this quilt made of silk
Congratulations to the beautiful cunts who caused these feelings I felt
its funny because I could be lying, I could be happy as all hell
Never take what I say literally, these are just stories I tell
Eight
This may sound like a poem about loss and despairBut this is not a poem about love, be very aware
its funny how I have the need to state that clearly before I begin
God knows if I dont the amount of trouble id get in
Im trying a new thing where I write what I think
That might just rescue me from blinking wet blinks
Fuck it, let me start doing just what I want
since my serene mood was just ruined by some cunt
I was ready to write about forced feelings and lie
But I just got a text which made me sigh a loud sigh
Im sick of this shit and feeling this way
despite consequences, people just do as they may
How could I let them treat me so bad
And walk away pretending im always so glad
I guess I do this because I want no drama
But some people think different, some people are harmers
Im done with this mess im done with the effort
Im not holding back for others to have comfort
All these situations have pushed me to this position
Turned me into a jerk, joining the opposition
Think what you want and just stab me some more
We’ll all be glad when im dead on the floor
Why?
Because..
theres this feeling inside me that I need to destroy
It takes over and controls me like im some useless toy
what fuels this feeling is the poison of words
the kind of words that dont really need to be heard
these words I speak of are not what you expect
Not the typical insults like fuck and shit
the words that haunt me and keep me awake
Are the ones that aren’t genuine the ones that you fake
When I was little, my mum taught me to never tell lies
and from that point on, liars are who I despise
I grew up ignorant, believing people were kind
Ingenuine people just weren’t on my mind
Seeing well in everyone is just what I do
People use to look at me like im some dumb stupid fool
I wasnt stupid though I knew when to be cautious
But I was still kind to all, even if they were obnoxious
And sometimes..
this pain inside is worse as fuck
can it be blamed on sheer dumb luck?
constant headaches with a metallic taste
all those good intentions have gone to waste
Touch me tease me fuck me dead
I clearly cant ryhme, just blame the meds
Strange isn’t it?
the way feelings tend to divert
is the main reason why my insides hurt
is change a blessing or a curse?
who gives a fuck here comes the hearse
Please..
Don’t forget that, loose lips sink ships
wrong words and hearts rip
waves crash mood swings
blurred vision sadness brings
dry voice cold sweat
one stab you’re dead
fuck
I dont know where Im going with these set of rhymes
I feeling Im trying to be creative whilst feeling shit all the time
Dont get me wrong though, dont let these words deceive you
wanting to die is not 100% true.
Tired rant.
What’s wrong with sugar coating the truth to spare feelings? I’ve never received anything but the brutal truth with no feelings spared, and each time has never hurt less. Why is it not okay to lie to protect someone, yet we spend everyday single day lying to ourselves just so each day is bearable. Everyone is so obsessed with knowing. We force ourselves to ignore certain truths as a favour and a comfort, yet if someone else chooses to not share a piece of information knowing it will cause hurt, they’re considered a bad friend, a bad lover, a bad family member. I’m a huge victim of curiousity, but curiousity did kill the cat. The only difference is that I dont have nine lives to spare.
Seven.
The way you held your heart so tight,
Clenching and holding, why the fright?
You can’t hold forever the words escaped
Break the walls you’ve somehow create
Distance we know is the fuel to this pain
Love covers wounds though the scars still remain
Forever you will be a lost faded thought
The battle has been lost, though the hardest I fought
Never did I dare complain
Therefore thoughts are etched with your name
Six.
You broke my heart in pieces, so much it can’t be fixed
And even though you did so, you’re all that I can miss
I gave it to you only; you were one that I could trust
But just like my whole life’s mess, sadness is a must
You took it and sliced it, and broke it into two
Maybe I deserved it, But I still have no clue
Why would this happen, why must people have to change
I may as well be alone forever, locked up in a cage
“I love you and need you”, you always said to me
I believed every word, my smile always free
The worst part of this mess, even though it makes blue
I know the second you want me back, I’ll run straight back to you
My love for you can never die, as cliché as it sounds
Id keep fighting for you, despite the many rounds
We’ve worked much too hard for this, for us to end in hurt
The sadness of tears, have stained far too many shirts
You say you know, exactly how I feel
If you got through this so many times, I swear you’re made of steel
I change from angry, depressed, to sad
While you just maintain this one mood, always seeming glad
Next time please don’t ever, sit and feed me lies
Like if I were to ever leave you, forever you will cry
I wrote this poem numbly not knowing what I want
Do I actually want you back, even though you’re such a cunt?
Fuck this stupid poem, it doesn’t even rhyme
But who really cares when nothings ever fine
But truth be told even after all this piercing pain
For you id run through, sunshine, dark and rain
Id scale mountains, and tackle every steep
Yeah that’s right for you, id be a fucking creep
Two seconds pause, of writing this shit
And another emotion has already hit
Maybe just maybe, you don’t deserve me
I know sometimes you look but you don’t really see
Perhaps, maybe I could do better?
Instead of crying at home and reading your letters?
Ha who am I kidding of course that’s not true?
There’s no one in this whole world, whole universe, and whole galaxy
I want, I need, and I love more than you.
Five.
I don’t say a word, so people don’t hear
They don’t need to know, what I really do fear
I sit in the quiet and watch people pass
Realising to self, humans lose class
I don’t say a word, so people can see
Silence is precious, if you just let it be
Noise is surrounding, ever too vicious
Rarely is a time, where silence is with us
I don’t say a word, so people ignore
If your voice isn’t heard, theres nothing much more
Screaming for attention, from the top of their lungs
Even if lies, are what flows off the tongue
I say a word, people stop, they stare
This is an occasion ever so rare
Expecting smiles, and perhaps a reply?
No. Just that one look, you see in their eyes.
Your hands begin the shake, your fragile heart pounds
That’s when you realise; the silence is where, forever and ever
I’ll always be found.
Four.
January
It was a cool summers day
the sun shined against my skin
eliminating all the goosebumps the cool air had given me
The sky was blue and had white full clouds
With a spring in my step my smile was free
The eye contact was warm and deep
I gave eight dollars to homeless Steve
And I brought five slices of bread to feed the ducks
The sound of nature was too calming to hear the ticking of the clock
June
It was a stormy winters night
The raindrops drenched each part of my body
Leaving me freezing helpless and alone
The city streets were full of strangers running for cover
With the lack of care in my mind I slowed my steps
Strange and judging glances by fleeing civilians
I gave homeless Steve my unused umbrella
The pond was over flowing and the ducks were no where in sight
I could hear the quickening ticks of the clock
December
It was dark in my bathroom with a flickering flame
The cold hard tiles numbed the side of my face
The warm seeping wound running down the drain
It was dead silent with the exception of the dripping tap
The image of my beautiful mother emerged in my mind
her expression was nothing but sadness and disappointment
I closed my eyes to enhance the feeling
The clock stopped ticking.
Three.
My eyes are weak, they’re losing focus
Of everything around, all seems hopeless
There are people surrounding, all who I pity
They whinge and complain about this goddamn city
Humans are filthy, they’re careless with words
They’re fucking vicious as hell, they crave to be heard
Life is disappointment, believing broken promises
Leaving the feeling of anxiety and being fucking useless
Screaming and yelling from the top of their lungs
So loudly, so passionately, each word aching the tongue
This world is crumbling, the stitches breaking apart
The one that can save us is the beauty of art
The beauty of lyrics, the beauty of sound
The beauty of words, of how sense can be found
Making sense of this world is a suicide mission
I’ll make sense of it eventually, with all these visions
People are scared, accepting hopelessness as seems
But I will refuse to bow down, I refuse to lose what this means
I’ll write every thought into words that make sense
Left side or right, theres no sitting on fence
My love has left me, I have nothing to lose
This is the fate I was given, If I only could choose
Try surviving each day with a hollow fucking chest
It turns your mind into one sick mess
With your sick twisted mind, just please fucking breathe
Inhale, exhale, your demons will leave
This not a promise, dont believe every word
Just write your fucking heart out, each one will be heard.
Two.
How are you suppose to save yourself from disappointment? You do that by expecting nothing. Nothing from anyone you know, no matter how much you trust them. Nothing from anything, no matter how certain.
But how are you suppose to move on without having hope? You cant move on from something thats deeply hurt you without having some sort of hope. You give yourself a false scenario of how much better you would be once you get through everything. But doesn’t that contradict everything?
You’re expected to save yourself from disappointment by expecting nothing, however expecting something is the hope you need to move on from the situation? So basically, to move on from hurt, all you can do is falsely expect something that may make you happy. But whatever that something may be, it will let you down and disappoint you anyways.
It seems like a cycle. A cycle where no matter which direction is taken, no matter how optimistic I pretend to be, it will only lead me back to that same place where I’ll always return to. The only consistency in my life in which I pray to disappear unlike all the things I wish to stay but leave, are those emotions, those thoughts which will never leave no matter how hard I try.
I’m well aware that I exaggerate, therefore I’m hoping this isn’t taken to literally. It was all curiosity, all just an intriguing observation.
One.
Each day is too heavy, each day is a drag
Each day is the same, I’m a dirty wipe rag
I know this feeling, each day it consumes me
Blurs my vision, makes movements less freely
Iv stopped fighting stopped resisting
Theres no point in persisting
With positivity theres no clarity
With negativity theres reality
The emotions run crazy with a mind of their own
Consistently feeling lost, theres no place like home
I remember what it felt like to have utter content
Everything so perfect, so strong, held by cement
But one knock and one crack appeared ever so visible
I ignored it, stayed silent, I was invincible
then came the fists, filled with strength and hate
watching the cement weaken, it was hard to anticipate
I jumped in front, a feeble attempt to protect
but there was no point, how dare I forget
I go through each day regretting my decisions
maybe if I said one thing different id be in a better position
but these are just what ifs, these are just thoughts
they will never cure this contagious disease that I’ve caught
The choice of words you use and your certain expression
Is the reason Iv become a slave to this romantic depression
Don’t assume what you think these words are portraying
I’m taking a pause to life just 10 minutes, delaying
its true these emotions haven’t yet to depart
but theres another out there who deserves my whole heart.
Another who deserves it who will cure me from sickness
who will fight, who will persevere through thin and all thickness
One last sentence to warn and to wrap it up neatly
Karmas a bitch and she moves very discretely
